How to make friends in a new city

Why making friends gets harder after you move

When you move, you lose the thing that made friends easy without you noticing: repetition. At school, university or an old job you saw the same people every day, so friendships formed on their own. A new city takes that away. You can have a good evening with new people and still never see any of them again.

Time is the other half. Jeffrey Hall at the University of Kansas tracked how acquaintances became friends and found it takes roughly 50 hours together to move from acquaintance to casual friend, and around 200 hours to become close friends. Hours spent on shared leisure counted for more than hours at work (Hall, 2018).

Fifty hours sounds like a lot until you divide it. Two hours a week, every week, is about 50 hours in six months. Even short, regular contact with the same people lifts mood and a sense of belonging along the way (Sandstrom and Dunn, 2014). That is why one thing that repeats beats a calendar full of one-off events.

The one-thing plan

Pick one group that meets on the same day every week. Go back three times before you judge it. Each time, follow up with one person. That is the whole plan.

1. Pick one weekly group. Choose something with a fixed day and the same faces each week. A class, a run club, a choir, a five-a-side team, a volunteering shift or a recurring dinner all work. Skip anything that draws a different crowd every time.
2. Put the next three dates in your calendar now. First impressions of a group are unreliable. The first week you know no one, the second week faces are familiar, by the third week someone saves you a seat. Decide in advance that you are going three times.
3. Follow up with one person each week. At the end, swap numbers or a handle with one person and send a short message the next day. "Good to meet you, see you next week" is enough. One real contact a week is twelve in three months.
4. Add a second weekly thing once the first feels easy. Two fixed points in your week is a social life starting to form. You do not need ten.

Groups that repeat every week

The best group is the one you will actually go back to. These all share the two things that matter: a fixed day and the same people.

• A recurring dinner or supper club. A small table where the point is to meet people. Small enough that everyone talks, regular enough that you start to see familiar faces.
• A run club or parkrun. parkrun is a free, timed 5k on Saturday mornings in parks across the UK and beyond (parkrun). Running clubs meet on a set evening and often go for a drink after.
• A weekly class. Pottery, improv, a language, life drawing, dance. A course that runs for a term puts you with the same people week after week, which is exactly what you want.
• A team or league. Five-a-side, netball, bouldering, a board-game night. Turning up is the only commitment and the group expects you back.
• A volunteering shift. A weekly shift at a food bank, a community garden or a charity shop gives you a fixed day, a shared task and people who tend to be easy to talk to.

To find them, search for your activity and your area together, or look at a local events board. The repetition is the point, so lean towards the thing that meets every week.

If you have moved to London

London is where Siena runs, so here the plan comes with a ready-made weekly group. A Siena dinner is a small table of about six people who all came to make friends, at a restaurant we choose.

• When. Every Thursday at 7:30pm. A dinner lasts about two hours.
• Who. About six people a table (tables of five to eight), grouped by age and matched on language and a few personality questions, with a gender balance at every table. You are never seated again with someone from one of your past tables.
• Cost. £12.99 for the seat. You pay the restaurant for your own food and drinks.
• Booking. Book at sign up. Booking for a Thursday closes on Tuesday at 23:59, and we send the restaurant name on Wednesday. You get a full refund if you cancel at least 24 hours before.

It fits the plan: a fixed day, a small group, and no organising from you. Go three Thursdays in a row and follow up with one person each time. To compare it with supper clubs, apps and other dinners first, use the London Social Dining Finder, or read how to make friends in London for a wider four-week plan built around your area.

Your first month, week by week

1. Week 1: pick and show up. Choose one weekly group and go once. Your only job is to arrive and learn two or three names.
2. Week 2: go back. Go again to the same thing. Familiar faces do most of the work. Say one thing to someone you half-recognise.
3. Week 3: follow up. Go a third time and leave with one person's number. Send a short message the next day.
4. Week 4: add or repeat. Keep the first group and, if it feels easy, add a second weekly thing. By now you have seen some people four times, which is where a new city starts to feel less new.

Questions people ask